Saturday, October 3, 2009

Keepin It Real Part 2

My son Judah was born on June 22 of this year. The birth went well. No complications. Nursing was going good except for the typical problems you run into with a newborn like keeping them awake long enough for their belly to get full.

The baby blues hit about a week postpartum. Just the typical emotions you experience after you have a baby. Two weeks postpartum and the weeping continued. This was unlike the emotions I had experienced with Libby. I had the baby blues with her, but they didn't last over a week.

Exactly two weeks after Judah was born, I let my mom know what was going on. Besides the uncontrollable weeping, I just simply had no desire to take care of him. At one point I even said I regretted giving birth. I regretted ever being pregnant. It was all so overwhelming for me.

I hated my feelings. What kind of mother has thoughts like that? I began looking up symptoms of post partum depression and those thoughts were common, but I still hated myself for thinking them.

My anxiety was starting to return just like it was 4 years ago. I became anxious when he would get up at night, anxious when he would cry. I dreaded getting up for the day. I didn't want to be here; in my home or in this world. I just wanted to get better and each day was just another pit.

Joey said I had to do something. So I called my OB/Gyn two and half weeks post partum. He prescribed Lexapro, an anti-depressant. I didn't want it, but I needed help so I took it. I knew I didn't want to be on it long term so I went to our local chiropractor who is also a friend. She does as much nutritional counseling as much as she does chiropractic care and I knew she could get me on something natural.

I went to see her three weeks post partum. She adjusted me, which she said would help me sleep better. I was only getting 1-2 hours a night and naps were out of the question because I just couldn't sleep. I would close my eyes, but sleep wouldn't come. I feared Judah waking up at night. I was so tired and just wanted to sleep. My doctor called me in Lunesta to help with sleep, but it didn't help.

My chiropractor also put me on Cataplex B from Standard Process and fish oil, which I used to take a couple of years ago, but then quit taking it.

After two weeks the Lexapro began working and I began feeling better. Judah was sleeping better at night and I began to have hope. After a month I began to wean off the Lexapro by cutting my pill in half. I was off of it completely after five weeks. I am still on the Cataplex B and the fish oil because of the amazing benefits they offer besides helping with PPD.

Some of you may be wondering how I was able to nurse during this time while taking Lexapro and Lunesta. I didn't feel comfortable taking the meds while nursing. I pumped for a few weeks and threw the milk away in order to keep up my supply, but the stress of nursing and pumping only added to the stress I was already under. I simply didn't think I could continue.

My grandparents from Kentucky came down for a their annual summer visit. They always stay with my mom. They came when Judah was almost three weeks old. I practically lived over at my mom's for two weeks while they were here. I don't think I could have made it through without them. They and my mom were lifesavers for me. They helped take care of Libby and Judah so I could rest. Since I had no desire to care for him at the time, they took over for me for two weeks. That time was such a blur for me.

All of us can say we really don't care what other people think about us, but if we were going to be honest, we do on some issues. "Their" opinions really do shape what you do or say more than you think. Nursing was that issue for me. I believe in breastfeeding. I nursed Libby until she was 15 months old. I love the bonding time. It just wasn't possible this time. I feared telling people that Judah was on formula. What would people think? Especially the ones that knew me when I had Libby and knew that I nursed her. Would they think bad of me? That I took the easy road? That I opted out of giving Judah the best nutrition possible? I really hated telling people. I felt like I had to explain why I was formula feeding instead of nursing every time I would see people.
I felt like my breastfeeding friends were all sitting around in judgement of me. The fear of man really is a snare as Proverbs states. I don't feel the need to explain as much anymore, although it still creeps up here and there. I had to do what I felt like was right at the time. I will say formula is agreeing with him. My mom calls him BB for butter ball.

Depression is gripping. It's paralyzing. It leaves you with no hope. Some depression is circumstantial, some spiritual, while some is an inbalance in the brain. Whatever your reason, if you feel like you need medication to get you over the hump, then do it. If it's spiritual in nature, take the meds and then deal with the issue. It's what I had to do the first time around. I knew part of mine was spiritual, but this time around, it was definitely circumstantial. I knew my circumstances weren't going to change. I had a baby and a two year old that needed me. I had to learn to cope. With the Lord's help I overcame this time again. I began taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and began walking in Truth. That's not always an instant fix all, but it helps.

Don't walk in condemnation. Don't let the fear of man ensnare you. Only do what God shows you to do. As long as you're walking in obedience, then who really cares what other people think?


Pixel Perfect said...

Thanks again for being so transparent! Depression is paralyzing!